Set of the day

by SG's Team Agony feat. Yulia Let us answer life's questions - because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls. (image) [Yulia in Don't Panic] Q: So here's my problem, while I'm sure it is not unique it's the first time I've come across it. I am... more

by SG's Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life's questions - because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Yulia in Don't Panic]

Q: So here's my problem, while I'm sure it is not unique it's the first time I've come across it. I am interested in a woman that is a single parent. I am one too. However, my access to my son is alternating weekends, whereas she is, from what I can tell, the only parent in the picture. As I'm sure you can guess, this makes going out very difficult for her.

We met at a New Year’s Eve party and all attempts to get together since have turned into one obstacle after another, all dealing with childcare. I am a patient guy and I have no problem waiting for her, she is special, strong, good looking, and devoted to her daughter.

This is pretty special to me as all of my previous partners have been rather weak and unsure of themselves. She is different. I don't want to push into her life and make her uncomfortable, but at the same time, I do want to see her again. Tonight we almost connected, however timing and childcare became an issue again. I am sure that she wants to see me again, since, as we exchanged numbers this evening to make communication a little easier, she was apologetic about the situation.

I am a patient guy and generally nice too. This, I feel, may work against me. I'm worried that I either won't be assertive enough and she'll feel I'm not interested. But, on the flip side I don't want to push too hard and come off as either an ass or desperate.

Oh, did I mention, it's also been eleven years since I've been on a first date?

Sincerely, trying to remember how to date!

A: You are in a tough and confusing situation, for sure! It's hard enough beginning any relationship after being single for a long time, but you're interested in someone whose first concern will always be for her daughter. Even if she is actively hoping to get together with you, her desire is not her priority. Because you mention childcare I will assume her daughter is young.

It's nerve-racking when you've flown solo for so long but finally have feelings for someone else. It can feel like you're hitting puberty all over again -- figuratively speaking -- and experiencing that first crush. What do you say? How do you let her know? How do you know what she feels? Even though you're past this initial stage and have already planned on spending time together, you're still waiting for the first date. If at all possible, try to see this as anticipation and excitement rather than frustration. I'm not suggesting you stop trying to plan, but that you focus on what could be and share these feelings with the woman you're into and maybe it will motivate her to find a good babysitter.

Easier said than done, I know. Is her child very young, or old enough to understand a few things? If we're talking about an infant, this won't apply, but if the child is in school than your love interest may be worried about how that child will feel if his or her mother is dating. You say there's no father in the picture, so the mother may fear her child will get attached to quickly or immediately see you as a potential dad. She may also fear the child will see you as competition for attention. She may not want the child to see her go through the range of emotions relationships bring. However, she has expressed interest in seeing you, so if she is deeply concerned about any of this, she may be willing to see you if you agree to underplay the significance of your relationship in front of the child (at least for now). There is nothing wrong with this! Many single parents choose to wait for months before telling their children about a relationship. They aren't lying or hiding their partners; they're simply making sure this is important enough to share with the kids. When it is, it will be that much more meaningful.

If that's not the case, could you suggest getting together with the kids? If both your children are there it will seem more natural, and you could even fudge the storyline a bit by telling the kids you're friends from work, Say you just happened to have four tickets to the ball game and needed two more people. Just don't alter the truth too often or someone will catch on. Kids aren't stupid!

Meanwhile, perhaps there's a way you can help her find child care. Do you know any great babysitters? Do you have any responsible relatives nearby looking for a bit of extra work? If money is an issue, offer to split the cost of a babysitter. If trust is an issue, you could suggest meeting with candidates and then inviting them to spend time with both mother and child to create that trust.

Above all, pay attention to non-verbal signs you get from her. Is she really interested, but concerned about her kid's reaction? Is she into you, but nervous for herself? Maybe she hasn't dated in a long time either, or maybe you are the first person she has felt an attraction to since the child's father. Try to find some common ground in your struggles to get together and work from there.

Yulia

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com